Confessions of a mad pregnant woman: the $7.00 bag of beef jerky

Okay, this happened a few months back, but this story will probably be one of the hallmarks of my first pregnancy. Rather than having weird cravings, I prefer to say that I strongly “liked” certain foods for a while before moving onto something different. So far, it’s been grapefruit, blacked eyed peas, and beef jerky (I’m currently into peas- something I detested as a child…go figure). Beef jerky proved helpful in warding off morning sickness, since the protein “stuck to me” and the saltiness was wonderful, not to mention that it is low in fat. It was love.

One day, Joshua decided to surprise me and buy a bag of jerky- not just any jerky- but SPICY pepper covered jerky. Not only did he buy me a bag, he bought the biggest one he could find, which cost $7.00. Talk about big brownie points!

We were at the bookstore, and he brought this bag to me while I worked on the computer. I immediately indulged, happily nibbling away on my precious jerky. That was until the heat (which I have since learned has a delayed affect) caught up to me. It was so hot I ran to the café, bought a bottle of water, and drank the entire thing in one sitting. I made a mental note to pace myself next time.

Fast forward to later that day: we came home and I put my purse containing my laptop and jerky in the office. I had to run an errand a short while later and completely forgot about my jerky. When I returned home, I was horrified: my poodle, Pierre, was apparently lured into the office by the scent of the delectable jerky, fished it out of my bag, and ATE MY BEEF JERKY. He ripped apart the package, scattering it all over the living room floor. When I found the majority of the ripped up bag, I wistfully peeked inside to see if he left any jerky behind. In hindsight, it’s pretty sad when you actually consider eating something the dog had left behind. What can I say; pregnancy does weird things to a girl’s psyche.

I was immediately upset (a huge understatement), and turned my wrath to the dog, who was looking at me like, “What?” I couldn’t look at him, so I chased him all the way to the backdoor to shoo him outside for punishment. I could see the fear in his eyes. From Pierre’s perspective, I probably looked like Godzilla tramping through the house looking for his next victim. After locking the dog outside, I noticed that his water dish (which is rather large) was completely empty. I remembered how hot the jerky was for me and he ended up eating more than I did! I figured the poor dog was probably in desperate need of water. I pondered it for a second, shrugged my shoulders and thought, “Let him burn!” “That will teach him to eat my jerky!” Yes, call it animal cruelty, but he had it coming.

I didn’t mention this fact to Joshua until a while afterward, since he had already witnessed my Godzilla-like rage. Pierre eventually came back inside and our relationship was rectified. Readers beware: never, ever, touch a girl’s beef jerky- or any food for that matter- without explicit permission. Otherwise, you may also experience what it’s like to be chased by a mad pregnant woman.

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